Love Story

{Kauai, Hi by Vilma Berganholz}

Written August 2011, the summer after we were married.

Our story is very long and messy but also beautiful in it’s own way. This is an honest recollection of our story from my point of view.

10 years ago I was a 14 year-old freshman in high school. At that point, boys weren’t really on my radar. Yeah, I’d had the “we’re going out” kind of boyfriend that you wrote notes to at school and held hands with on the way to the bus at 3:00, but that was the extent of my romantic interactions. I had never met anyone that I was crazy about or ever really wanted to deeply know. That is, until I walked into First Baptist St. Simons Youth Group and there he was. No, I’m not referring to “love at first site,” so don’t stop reading just yet! I didn’t know who he was and had never seen his face-- even in the years of attending the same schools (I flip-flopped between public and private schools growing up). That night at church, he introduced himself during a game of volleyball and we spoke briefly, but nothing cataclysmic in the way of fireworks or magic. Of course it registered in my head that he was a cute boy, but that’s all. I went home after a fun night and thought nothing of it until I got a call from my friend Liz saying “Bo got your phone number and he is about to call you...” I’m pretty sure I asked “why?” and then there was a beep on the line. Clueless is all I can say. Anyway, after the initial hellos he burst out with “I know this sounds crazy but I just feel like we are going to be best friends.” I was floored and impressed by his bold honesty. If you know Bo, then you have heard the passion that he exudes when he speaks and it is truly captivating. At 14, I was hooked. 

We were instant friends... and only friends. But I won’t deny that I had a HUGE crush on him that was pretty obvious. {Side note: my sincerest apologies to those that both he and I dated in high school-- I wouldn’t have liked me either.}

From that night on, we were best friends: wrestling matches at youth group, inside jokes (somehow to do with a mini dollar-tree plunger), Steak & Shake milkshakes every Wednesday after youth... Over the next 2 years, our friendship became a staple in my life. Even though, deep down I wanted it to be more, I was happy. To this day, he is the person that I feel confident being shamelessly translucent around, and for the majority of my life, that has been a struggle for me. (I’ll save that topic for another day). He was special, and to me, we made perfect sense.

I still tease Bo about giving me a complex. I’m not good at things that I don’t understand, and in my mind, we were averting the inevitable. It was perfectly clear to me that we belonged together. So why wasn’t he pursuing me? What was wrong with me? Was I always going to be waiting for him to make a move? Okay, I realize how pathetic this sounds but these were my thoughts! And once he left for college, 2nd girlfriend since we’d met in tow, the resentment sprang up. I had given up on us ever being anything beyond friends and that was okay, not great, but my pride couldn’t take anymore so I accepted it. I decided that he was going to be my “what if” scenario forever. When I left for college at Auburn I would get homesick and call him--we would laugh and I would feel better about being 350 miles away from my family and friends. I started dating a guy my freshman year and had a pretty serious boyfriend for the first time in my life. I still consider Bo to be my first love because, even though we weren’t a couple, I felt more for him than I did anyone I’d ever officially dated. I’d allowed him to know me more than anyone else. The summer after my freshman year I came home to SSI to be a nanny with a group of Auburn friends. It was the first time in years that Bo and I were both single and we spent the summer together. It was the first time that he had ever been vocal about his feelings for me and after 4 years, I was beginning to be hopeful again. We played and had fun all summer and I really thought that we were finally going to give it a go. NOPE. Gun-shy again. What was his deal? That was the last straw for me. Pride was a major player at that point in my life and I would not be rejected again by this boy. It’s not like I had ever voiced my feelings for him until that summer either, but come on! It’s the boy’s job, right? (I still wonder what in the world he was afraid of). So I went back to school and a few months later fell back into my old relationship and when it ended just before my Junior year at Auburn, I was lost. I didn’t feel like myself anymore, and it wasn’t good. I came out of that relationship somewhat jaded and decidedly more strong willed. I was sick of being the weak one. I was going to be in control next time around. Little did I know that CONTROL was my issue. Background info: I grew up in a mildly chaotic atmosphere with my parents being divorced and my Mom working her butt off to support 3 kids. As a result, I developed the desire for normalcy, for perfection, for a Cleaver life. I strived to control how I was perceived by others, and even more so,  to control how my life would turn out. I was going to make closely calculated, SAFE choices that would be my golden brick road to normalcy. And normalcy=happiness, right? I actually believed that I could figure out how to fly under the radar and nothing bad would happen to me. I started dating a guy that I thought fit these safety regulations for my future. Two months into the relationship, I came home for Christmas and there was Bo again. My constant distraction, the person that I didn’t know how not to love. But at that point, I had made a decision to protect my heart from him and I was going to stick to it. I had someone who fulfilled the safe relationship checklist and I was clinging to it. I was home for Christmas and Bo was living on SSI. I was wrapped up in being (what we have now coined) a “chickenhead.” {A chickenhead is a person with skewed priorities, worried about materialistic things and controlling their own lives.} I’m the first one to admit that I was no doubt a chickenhead. In retrospect, I realize the subtle ways that God was knocking on the door to my heart, trying to help me see that He has the answers and that I am only safe in Him. But I wouldn’t listen. I was too caught up in my control issue, and I was clinging to it for dear life. So when Bo popped back up in my life I was wary of him. He FINALLY after 6 years of torture says to me “I keep thinking about you and wishing girls I meet acted like you. Let’s give this a shot!” Really Bo? That’s all I get? Okay, I may have read a few too many Nicholas Sparks novels, but I know he is not coming at me with “let’s give this a shot?” As much as I wanted him deep down, I was SO scared. I was terrified of being hurt by him again. How could I risk my checklist for a shot in the dark with a boy that had taken 6 years to decide that I was good enough to date? Umm no. My pride was not going to let me do that. The boy I had dreamed of for six years finally wants me, and although his words were not overly endearing, this was my person! Hadn’t I known that since day one? So why am I so terrified that I won’t take a risk for something great? I could lose my safe option and go after an adventure, couldn’t I? Apparently not. I let fear and desire for control dictate my decisions and I turned away from my chance to do life with my best friend. I know hindsight is 20/20, but what was I thinking? I still lose sleep over that decision.

No matter how hard we cling to what we think is control of our own lives, God is always in control. 

I married my checklist right after college. A TON of red flags were flying and although I had put my relationship with God on the back-burner, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I wasn’t totally out of touch. I let Jesus get as close as He could without interfering with my safety plan for a normal future. I followed the rules. I read my Bible, I didn’t drink until I was 21 (and thereafter never heavily), I worked for Habitat for Humanity to serve others, I only cursed when I stubbed my toe or almost had a fender bender, I tithed every month, I was  a “good girl,” in the minds of a lot of people including myself. 

There was a day during the engagement that I was praying about my decision and I felt it in my bones that God was telling me not to go through with it. I actually thought about Bo every single day and couldn’t believe I was going to marry anyone other than him. And even after a few semi-serious “don’t do it” phone calls from Bo, I went through with it. It was like I thought that everything would just work itself out-- I was the cliche’: “young and naive.” I know how wrong this all sounds and it was. It was all wrong. I take full responsibility for my cowardice, knowing now what it cost everyone involved. But I wanted it to be right. It wasn’t scary. I thought I had a stand-up, no-fail, cookie-cutter man. I thought I had this guy figured out. It turns out that he and I had the same issue: the illusion of a perfect appearance, the desire for control of his life. He just ended up being better at fooling everyone than I was, and he actually had the audacity to live a double life. I just wanted to hit a rewind button on my life. I don’t think either of our intentions were to harm the other, but it is clear how badly things turn out when two people are running away from God and into a train wreck of their own misguided decisions. I won’t go into further detail except to say that I was immensely humbled. Everything I thought I was escaping by choosing my “safe choice” became my reality. I was living a nightmare. I was married to a stranger. A stranger with a girlfriend. And I felt trapped. I believe in marriage. I know that, with God, marriages can make it through anything. The problem was that God didn’t put this marriage together, we did. I hid behind my pride. I was always worried about what everyone else thought of me instead of being pleasing in God’s eyes. So I prayed. Harder and with more vigor than ever before. I wanted to make the right decision this time. I wanted to follow God’s plan for the first time in a long time. I didn’t have a clue what was going to happen next but I wasn’t scared anymore, He was in control. It had taken me living through my worst nightmare in order to take His hand and let him lead. I was broken, and I knew God was the only one who could fix me, and so I prayed. One day I was praying and I asked God if divorce was the answer... I was terrified to live in the guilt and sin of divorce. I knew I wanted out, but I also knew that I had to wait for God to tell me what to do. I would obey, no matter what. That day, I sat outside with my Bible for hours reading and praying, waiting for God to guide me. Suddenly a blanket of peace just settled over me. I was released. It was like a simple snapping of fingers, a light switch turning on, a past of rebellion being erased. I was clean. I have no words for the grace that God has poured over my life. It was like my eyes were opened and the obstacles I had put in my own way (fear of judgement, desire for control, etc) were cleared. The relief in the redemption was incredible. I am still basking in it. 

The weirdest thing is, I always knew I’d end up with Bo. I didn’t allow this subconscious gut feeling to resonate in my mind, but I still knew it deep down. I realize how awful this sounds but I just wrote it off as never being able to kick my first love. But now that I was single again, I had no intentions of coming near the male gender for any reason. No thank you. I was healing and excited about the life that God had planned for me. I was me again and I was free. I was in the process of applying for the Peace Corps (lifelong dream), I was making plans to go to grad school for Speech Pathology, and I was loving being back at home with my family. I barely left the house. I painted furniture, sat on the dock, went to the beach with my sister, went on service trips with my Mom and visited my girlfriends. I was happy.

SO.... My Mom is a coffee nut. I mean, she LOVES coffee. So of course her regular hang out spot is the best coffee shop in town: Wake Up Coffee Co., owned by a certain someone that I was avoiding like the plague. There was NO WAY I could face Bo Mann ever again. I turned him down and made a fool of myself with my decisions. I was down and seeing him would be a major kick. So I only dared to go to Wake Up when my Mom confirmed that he wasn’t working. I wasn’t sure of his relationship status and I had already played that game with him too many times. I didn’t need complicated, I wanted to keep it clean and simple. So my 3rd time ever walking into Wake Up to meet my Mom, I had just come from a run--- Nike shorts, a tank and no make-up-- not exactly the way I wanted to see Bo for the first time in 2.5 years. But God was keeping me humble, right? As scared as I was to see him, I hadn’t thought of the possibility that he cared at all. I knew that we would be friends again but I never dreamed that he would have any thoughts or feelings for me beyond that. I think I never really took his confession of feelings for me seriously that Christmas years ago. It’s like I couldn’t fathom it. Too good to be true sort of thing. So when I saw him walk through the front door at Wake Up that day I didn’t know what was going to happen. I remember thinking something like “this is either going to be really good or really bad.” And it was awkward, painfully awkward for the first 5 minutes. Avoiding eye contact, didn’t know if he even recognized me, etc. --- I wanted to run out the door. For a few minutes I was in shock... we had never been awkward before, ever. But finally, he got brave and said hello. It only took about 30 seconds to clear the air and be us again... such a relief. But what in the world happens now? 

We became friends again. We didn’t see each other for the next few weeks but we slowly started to hang out again. It worked out that we were both newly single but I still had no clue that he felt anything more than friendship for me. He was my only friend in town that I had kept up with since high school. So we played and adventured and got to know one another again. As hard as it was for me to trust again, everything about us spending time together felt right. I prayed and prayed about the feelings that were beginning arise and I couldn’t believe that this could be God’s plan. But I’ve learned well enough the damage I can do by trying to figure plans out myself, so I continued to trust and come closer to the Lord. One night, late after the coffee shop was closed, we went in for a chocolate milk with ice (my favorite drink since I was little) and we sat talking for hours. I think at the end of the night we just knew we were finally going to go for it, not quite yet, but at some point. Soon after, we realized that the only reason that we would delay being together would be for the sake of others and what other people thought about us, and I couldn’t be a slave to that again. So we just went for it. We started legitimately dating for the first time ever. 

In the beginning, we were so scared that we had each other up on a pedestal and that reality would hit and burst our bubble. But I am still in awe of him. I sit writing this, thinking of how much I don’t deserve him. He makes my life so bright. We adventure, we play, we laugh. He tells me I’m beautiful when I know I look hideous. He makes everything exponentially more fun. He cracks me up with his silly dances and high-pitched singing voice. The sincerity of his words makes me cry. He lives his life with a passion for Jesus and for others that I am humbled by everyday. He makes people feel good about themselves just by talking to him. He stands out in a crowd because of his heart-- not any other reason. He brings out the best in me and I am continuing to grow and learn so much about myself and how to be a better person and wife to him. He inspires me to love people and love God in everything that I do. I fully believe that God has an awesome plan to use us and our story for His greater purpose. God’s grace has covered me and I am living in it everyday. I’m so thankful for everything that has brought me to this point in my life. God has given me my best friend, my person, and I’ll never forget the love He has shown me through all of this. 

“And above all things, be earnest in your love among yourselves, for love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8

“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment which brought us peace was upon him, and by His wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5